My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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