honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
