I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
