I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
