He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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