There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
