I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
