Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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