Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
