On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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