Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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