I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
