Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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