yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You smell like stripper and shame
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
