Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
