im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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