Banned from zoo.
Again?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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