and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
