Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
