i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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