Only a mothe r could love this liver
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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