u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
