I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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