sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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