I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
