U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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