I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
