dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
