You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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