Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
