my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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