she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
