In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
