we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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