is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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