Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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