I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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