Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
