you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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