Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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