just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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