I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
