remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
