dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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