if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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