Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
