I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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