i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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