1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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