the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
