so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
