You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
