I can text with my tongue
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
