It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
