Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
