there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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