I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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