You're my little dorito
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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