my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
