You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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