New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
