Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
