i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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