I feel like abortions should bother me more
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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