I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
